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Friday, June 21, 2024

Looking Back, Something was Missing...

Even though it’s too late, spilling my heart just to get it off my chest…

Y’all wouldn’t believe how much of a weirdo I was growing up. I WAS SO OBSESSED WITH MUSIC. I have been singing and dancing since I first could, at home, and then joined classes/teams as soon as I had the chance, at school. I was doing songwriting before I wrote anything else, too.

It was so lonely, though. I could never quite find somebody who was as into it as I was. I imagine what it would have been like if I had met then a person who’d enjoy dancing and singing like I did and was willing to give it their all. It would have been glorious even if we didn’t get anywhere with it. We would have listened to Blink 182 and other bands together too, as my emo “phase” began. And I wouldn't have been so down about how I could never see a girl who looked more like me in the music videos that spoke about love...
It was tragic that my caregivers died so soon, who would have 100% been supportive of me wholly pursuing what I loved, and I was forced into survival instead. I still wonder sometimes if that really had to happen. But such was my life. I didn’t choose the emo life, it chose me.

My first true love and first devastating heartbreak was a guy who played the keyboard at a metal band and, on a daily basis, dressed like his style was influenced by Linkin Park (or maybe that was just how you looked back then if you were alternative but not too punk and not too goth and wanted to be comfortable). Heck, I dressed like that, too, much of the time. The piano and the guitar I currently have around were gifts from him. Also got him to teach me a bit about music. And a few of our dates consisted of going to indie rock concerts together. Still, when I was dreamy about it all, he was just like, “Ah, yeah, my mother forced me to learn music early and it turned out I was good at it.” Wanted to punch the guy, but we’re good friends.

I did have a period where I resented everyone who was able to get what they yearned for. But in hindsight, even though I absolutely adore music, it was probably not meant for me as a full-time career. Certainly, I could pull off being on stage for local crowds, but it takes sooo much more to make it beyond that. I am happy now where it has all led me, where I still get to enjoy the magic of it and cheer for it.

Music will always be a big part of me. Choreography was removed from my school’s program, which made things less bearable, and then I graduated high school, so I was no longer part of the choir. I realized upon reintroducing dancing and singing into my life, years later, that they weren’t a luxury. THEY WERE A DAMN NECESSITY. At least to me.

And wanna know what else turned out as a necessity? DARKNESS. Maybe it was going to be so no matter what, given that I’ve always been into Horror and Halloween, even as a happy child with no real problems. But it’s become evident that I can’t do without it. And when I get back to making music, it’ll definitely be with some of it.

I’m infinitely thankful that it is still a possibility and that I won’t be alone in it. Though at this point, my music will likely only be something I’ll do sporadically and to complement storytelling in upcoming projects. Regardless, hyped!