I'm waiting for dawn, hopefully can sleep more until then, and will get ready to indulge in the film the entire day. Gonna treat myself to plenty of sweets, too. Posting about it will come mostly randomly and spontaneously. I'm late to the party, but here I am...
The past few months, and particularly the past 30 days, had me neglecting and even sacrificing my peace and joy. Partly, I did it to myself. Partly, I did not. But whatever the case, I ought to regulate my nervous system now. Catch me in a Ferris Wheel. F**k those deranged rides.
(If you need/want me for anything, figure out a way to do it without bringing me ANY stress whatsoever. See you then. ✌)
Some days, I can't tell whether people are demons or just miscalculated and/or had unbelievable tough luck. And I'm not about to launch thorough investigations and analyses to figure out which is which. So take what fits.
If you tried or even did your best: Thank you. Sucks that you didn't make it. I wish it had gone differently. And I hope you can keep going regardless of the losses. Never abandoning your good nature.
Demons:
Can't be bothered to come up with anything for you. I'm so sick and tired and bored of y'all, omfg.
I almost casually brought this up a while ago, eager to take a trip back in time, but I’m glad I didn’t. Because now I can do it more justice and forever keep around what is, among numerous loved ones, my #1 favorite song by Maroon 5.
Have you ever been accidentally stuck in a situation you are so pitifully unprepared for that you keep crying out, silently or out loud, “Why does this have to happen to me?! Why?!” And it is so incredibly harmful to your very fragile and vulnerable being that, although you can appreciate the good intentions, you resent anyone telling you that it will make you stronger and wiser? Well, something like that. That is where this song takes me to. Yet, I don’t hate it. On the contrary.
It’s been over a decade. And to answer the question: It gravely confused and weakened me. For years, I had to climb out of that hole, bit by bit, putting myself back together. So, no, I don’t recommend it. Yet, at the same time, I can’t deny that such misfortune did ultimately lead me to come back from it stronger and wiser. And just knowing not to ever go there again. Anymore.
If I ever claim to have your back, after you’ve had mine, and I haven’t explicitly cancelled that contract or excused myself for a valid reason, you can probably assume that I’m dead or so incapacitated I can’t even string words together in my brain. Because, yes, sometimes it IS that bad. Which is part of what makes the official music video so memorable to me. But beware, if you go see it, it is quite graphic.
What I personally hold on to the most, however, has got to be the line, “We drew a map to a better place.” It’s like the entire story gains and regains meaning from that line alone. Definitely miss the taste of a sweeter life and the conversation, too, though.
Creative people really be looking at the most disgustingly raw materials you've ever seen in your entire freakin' life and be like, "Yup, I can make a masterpiece out of that." 😵
Yeah, no, I'm definitely not deleting older stuff. 'Cause, omg, THE MEANING.
August 30th, 2018. Excerpt from a personal post. My sister might visit soon! Very much looking forward to it! Sometimes dreams are so big and so far away (not to mention adversity-ridden) that they may take longer. Don't let that be what discourages you...
January 31st, 2017. Excerpt from a 'Back to Artsying' post. Sometimes I forget I used to let myself enjoy what little bit of magic I still had left in me. I'm concerned I'm becoming an adult in the worst sense of the word. Must fix. (Also, I'm not sure why I found it necessary to add the precise date when I made that, as opposed to when I posted it, but I probably had a reason.)
It can sound totally fake, but it is true. Sometimes I spend months or even years without seeing a movie, or immersing in some other piece of artwork, because I figure it will be full of so much that I’d cherish that it’s best if I wait until I can take it in with all of its splendor. It might look like disinterest, ‘cause who is even able to delay gratification that much if there isn’t indifference going along with it? But believe it: I can. It’s not so much indifference that keeps me away, but how much I’d detest wasting what could have been an extraordinarily memorable moment to forever keep in my heart on an afternoon when I’m pissed off, restless, and just wishing it’ll all be over asap.
This can be irrational, indeed, and a poor decision, because sometimes it is exactly then that I most need that amount of magic inserted back into my life. But I can’t always help it. And it is part of what drives me to get my life back to a ‘soft era’ and have everything nice and comfy to indulge as my spirit yearns for. Getting there, getting there…
The prime example of this is Wonka.
Are you kidding me?! I still haven’t seen it!! Do you realize how special and significant Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was for me growing up?! I was still such a wonder-filled kid when I first witnessed that world. I don’t think even I realize just how much it truly means to me. I definitely didn’t want to watch Wonka while in a rush. I still don’t. BUT I WANT TO WATCH IT SO BAD. OMG.
Soon. Soon. Not this month. Maybe not even the next. But soon. Might have to break my rule of going with the seasons and instead recreate winter in my bedroom. But this year for sure. I’M SO SORRY, INNER CHILD. YOU’VE BEEN SO DEPRIVED.
And why should it always be so serious? Why should it be so bleak? Why shouldn’t you enjoy yourself? Why shouldn’t you smile and laugh as much as you can? If every day is all you have, then shouldn’t those days be full of wonder?
“Ups and downs are inevitable, but suffering is not.”
Everything changes when you look at it from a different angle, a vantage point, or a safe location. When you have enough reference, appropriate context, and a sense of proportion. When you can tell that some things are permanent and some are temporary.
And why should it always be so serious? Why should it be so bleak? Why shouldn’t you enjoy yourself? Why shouldn’t you smile and laugh as much as you can? If every day is all you have, then shouldn’t those days be full of wonder?
What is bad may not be so bad, and what is good may not be so good. Crushing disappointments may occur, but also brilliant realizations. And the more you see, the more you gauge, the more you can make your own piece of heaven, even amidst hell.
Can you call it escapism if you are not missing out on anything worthwhile? If you have the best view in town? If memorable moments abound? And it is intriguing, thrilling, and fascinating. You are deepening and broadening your understanding. You are getting inspired and motivated. Not to survive, but to thrive.
Maybe, just maybe, we aren’t supposed to eternally live in a land of confusion. Maybe, just maybe, avoiding cruelty isn’t the problem. Maybe, just maybe, continuing to manufacture it is. Trauma after trauma after trauma. Unexamined, untreated, unresolved. If that is character development, what kind of character are you becoming?
Live on your terms. And have a fantastic life instead!
It is as if, hustling, as a last resort, is being idealized and romanticized. To cope with it, to deny the harm it can do. When you overdo it.
There will be people taking pride and bragging about how they wear themselves to the ground, over and over, and how you should, too. But if you ponder it, what is really in it? Is the work they do even truly helpful, all things considered, directly or indirectly, to merit that sort of sacrifice? Sadly, you will find that, quite often, it is not. On the contrary, rather than a net-positive, it is a net-negative.
There is going to be work that you don’t love, but still ought to do, and there is no denying that. Sometimes you must push yourself to meet a standard, a deadline, a quota, when you’d rather be resting. But if you are severely jeopardizing yourself in the process, continually overlooking your deterioration, who is that going to help? You could lose what made you qualify in the first place, becoming bitter, fried, numb, or even end up suffering from complications that fully disable you and disqualify you.
It is not about being a lazy bum, which won’t be that enjoyable after a while, either. It is about preserving yourself so that you can continue or start giving your best. And depending on your field and what it requires from you, this would be more or less imperative.
You can challenge yourself, improve your strengths, and develop past your weaknesses. But you can also be systematic and strategic enough to minimize strain and maximize return. Work with rather than against yourself. It shouldn’t be a race to be the most damaged, but to be capable, competent, and ultimately formidable. And for that, you OUGHT to stay in shape. Mentally, emotionally, physically…
Yet, part of staying in shape, in more than one aspect, is to go through the ‘tasks’ of rest, repair, and refill. Even machines do it, and you believe yourself above it? Book that as though it is part of your job, because, if you make art, it is. And save yourself from “mysterious” illnesses and injuries. Or just pathetically low or merely mediocre performance. If you have control over your schedule, there is no excuse.
Look at how much more you can accomplish when you bounce back from effective breaks. How your mood affects your mindset, how your mindset affects your outlook, how your outlook affects your approach, and how your approach affects your results. It is worth it.
It took me quite a while to come back to Amy Macdonald, but I finally did. And whoa, it was immediately electrifying, all over again! I couldn’t get enough of the songs I loved in the past and would repeatedly replay them. Now I’m being blown away by all the power contained in more recent ones, such as I’m Done.
Believe it or not, I was just some kid when I first listened to Amy Macdonald. A young adult, if you’d rather I be precise. Lost as I could be. It was around the time I had just left the city for the town life and, in her music, not only did I find solace - it was as though it got rid of YEARS of baggage I was carrying. How is that sort of magic even possible? It is, it very much is! She is proof of it. And I’m ecstatic that she continues to be active, making art imbued with more of what her spirit brings.
It is wild for me to think about everything that’s happened all up to this point. From practically breaking under the pressure of a lifestyle that was never meant for me, having little to no mental or emotional fortitude, unclear about everything, to standing firm and unshakable in what is undeniable. The needlessly hurried, shallow, directionless, and basically rootless approach I was being urged to take was killing me. But, thankfully, now I know better, and such nonsense doesn’t stand a chance anymore. Maybe that’s for you. Me? Hard pass.
In I’m Done, I particularly love how playing games is a theme. Not only that, though. There are many key aspects touched on that relate to taking back your destiny. Not merely in a “What are this year’s resolutions?” kinda way, but in a more devastatingly profound and grand manner. Thoroughly resolute, no matter how long it takes (or what it takes). Calling it a reset would be the understatement of the century.
This one is resonating with me down to my core and further beyond...
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