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Saturday, April 6, 2024

Life has been... Something

Looking back, I figure that there are a few things that I haven't made as clear as they could be. And I want and need them to be as I go forward with everything:

- As much as I adore art and the artists behind it, you can rest assured that they aren't "brainwashing" me. I have always been insanely reflective and looking for what makes sense and resonates with me. At most, I may consider an idea, deem it plausible, test it out, and then decide whether or not it is something I should adopt or take as only an experience. So, worry not, I am my own person and make my own decisions.

- Continuing about adoration, I have and respect limits. I would never harass anyone with affection or flattery no matter how impressive I believe they are. In fact, the moment it seems likely that any of that isn't welcome or is in some way burdensome, I'll keep it to myself. May even vanish completely, depending.

- Furthermore, regardless of how much I adore someone, it isn't necessarily in a romantic manner. I can love for many different reasons and in many different ways to great degrees. And it seems to me that the greatest amount of love I can have for someone emanates from gratitude. So yes, I can love someone a lot because they helped me through something somehow.

- And speaking of being grateful, that often steers me in certain directions. Honoring help, keeping promises, but also realizing when I might be able to give back, regardless of how much time has passed, and turning back for it. Even if I don't know what will happen. If there's anything I can really do or that they would accept. But I at least could check. Would be terrible if I didn't and forever lost my chance.

- I don't like being pitied, so I reserve pity for those I dislike. If I like you, it's as if I bypass that emotion and go straight to simply knowing that you deserve good things and wanting you to have good things. Might be furious if that doesn't happen, too. And if I can facilitate that, then awesome. If not, hopefully, someone else will. The point is for you to be well.

My life has been a series of mixed events, one leading to another, that got me to places I would not have imagined I'd ever be. But once there, there were things I felt like I must do. And the more I didn't do them, the worse I felt. It's as if everything happened for a reason, and it was pushing me to continue to go along with it, but that's kind of crazy to believe (realistically, there's probably more than one reason). And yet, crazy things keep happening. So, what is sensible to believe?

All I know for sure is that life can be confusing, frightening, and horrible. And that can be unbearable if you're alone. I'd rather kindred spirits aren't.