People-Pleaser Much?

Is being a people-pleaser worth it? When you’re the book definition of a people-pleaser, the only people you really please are other people-pleasers and abusers - people who are more than happy to endlessly be catered to and pleased.

All while increasingly losing yourself to a fog of falsehoods because your true thoughts and feelings may not be compatible with what you would believe would be ‘pleasing’. You may even stop having your own, as you no longer pause to ask yourself what you feel or think about a situation. Instead, you immediately go to ponder or (in even more lousy attempts) assume what another or others might prefer from you.

But don’t get it twisted, however. To stop being a people-pleaser, as described above, you don’t have to go all the way opposite to it and become a “people-displeaser”, choosing only yourself at all times or even going out of your own way to ‘prove’ that you won’t bother at all about others. That would likely put you in the abusers category.

The issue is that, if you wish to be authentic, whole, and secure in yourself, being a people-pleaser won’t take you there. You might get applause, acceptance, and belonging, but that’s not truly directed at and embracing all of you, is it?

People-pleasing can be a requirement to survive dangerous and dire situations, and a lot of us come from or go through that in life, so it is understandable. However, when it is carried out without a legitimate need for it, it can turn into something far uglier. What may have started as a habit then becomes manipulation for status and more, whether within an individual’s priorities or within a group’s hierarchy. And perhaps you are all playing that same game as if it is the norm, while secretly resenting each other or just having lower opinions than those shared. And if that is your world, you are free to stay in it.

Nevertheless, when it comes to actually having and showing humanity, the drive to please others comes from different motivations. And calling you a ‘people-pleaser’ when that is the case would be inaccurate. It is not about pleasing. It is about considering others, caring for them, and wishing to contribute to them, for their sake. Yet, simultaneously, doing so, if they are worthy of such gestures (or you are merely, unfortunately, under that impression), it will bring you fulfillment, too. Especially if you were able to contribute from parts of you that are unequivocally you. You are simply being, existing as you are, and that is enough.

So when you take yourself into account, respecting and loving yourself, not only do you discover more of who you are, but you also treat yourself to what you both need and want, as a human, which will literally be filling you with more to give, making you more abundant. In what? Who knows! Whatever your particular brand of human is.

It can be lonely; it is not a recipe for guaranteed and immediate popularity. But it is on you to decide whether you will invest in yourself, to bring forth your best version and reach your potential, or in some nebulous and evershifting concept you can adapt or contort yourself into. If the latter comes easily for you, it may be the sensible option. But if it is painfully unbearable, you should definitely look into completely dropping people-pleasing.