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Monday, July 1, 2024

Does or Doesn't? Messy Love

Love is messy. And may not even be love at all. And while it might be impossible to precisely quantify, we can at least make some distinctions and get a vague idea of where we and others stand in regards to it.

So here is a graphic to help you figure it out! It can be used within different contexts, not only the romantic kind. Asking yourself, “How much does this person (or entity) love & care for me and how much do they want and/or need me?” Then spotting where you are on the map.

People often confuse wanting and/or needing with loving & caring. And this is VERY DANGEROUS to do. Or they do tell them apart but still settle for the former without the latter. Again, TERRIBLE. Wanting and/or needing is essentially about getting. While loving & caring is essentially about giving. If you let others get away with only getting, they’ll practically suck the life out of you.

Furthermore, sadly, many people (myself included), end up in the bottom right square with their person. Either ‘cause the person was pretending that there was more to it or because they were convinced that they didn’t deserve better (or that it was unreasonable to expect it). In any case, it is a lousy place to be in. So don’t settle for just being wanted and/or needed. Of course you would be if you have valuable qualities! How low is your self-esteem to believe that’s enough?

For visual representation, you can ‘guesstimate’ and mark yourself in one color where you believe you are and mark the other with another color where you believe they are, keeping in mind the context you’re taking this in.

Furthermore, it might help to recognize that everyone and everything doesn’t have the same capacity to be invested. Some only go as far as the smallest square, being the most dispassionate kind. Others are more lukewarm than that and extend to the second square. And the rest are among the most passionate. There’s a chance you might wish to stick with your kind.

So here it is blank for you to try it. The results may slightly to wildly vary, depending. And may not be what you expect or hope for, but the sooner you face reality the sooner you can get to something real that’s worthwhile (or bring it there).

Love is indeed messy. So this is merely trying to make sense of what happens or is happening without getting too lost in specifics. But you could also note that there are times when the axes sort of compete and counteract each other, when what's in them is in some sort of conflict. E.g. There are times when you Love & Care so much that it seems as though you're indifferent in the Want and/or Need department. But it's just that that same Love & Care has suppressed, blocked out, or let go of that Want and/or Need. Alternatively, extreme Want and/or Need could throw out Love & Care to self-serve, acting from entitlement, disregarding the other or the relationship itself. Something to watch out for!