Surprisingly, not everybody is out only for themselves. There are still a few people around who, when they see another in pain and suffering, they are compelled to help. As though your troubles are theirs. Rather than completely eager to jump to the rescue, however, they may be guarded and overral reluctant, for one reason or another, but still wish they could do something about it.
These people, who are capable of both empathy and compassion, have likely encountered a handful of ungrateful and exploitative beings that took advantage of their caring nature. And if they haven’t, they may have been warned. And if neither of those, then… hopefully, they will somehow make it through when it happens. Without losing themselves. Without getting stuck in bitterness and cynicism. Without staying depleted, damaged, or even broken.
It is risky business, indeed. A “weakness” some would say, attempting to belittle or even discourage it. Yet, ultimately, it is a set of abilities that can be mastered to the point where it causes no harm. Not to others and not to yourself. Besides, some of us have found that ‘disowning’ that side of us leaves us lacking purpose, and literally debilitates us, so it is not really a recommendable option, not even for our own sake, to become indifferent or even selfish.
But how can you be helpful? When somebody is ill and/or wounded, psychologically or otherwise, it is a very delicate matter. So just wanting to be helpful won’t do. You will have to genuinely want the issue to be taken care of, whatever it takes for that to be. This means that this isn’t a moment for you to shine. It might turn out that way, if you successfully manage to tend to it, but that shouldn’t be the point.
Be attentive!
• Forget what you want. What do they need?
• Is your interference welcome or at least indispensable?
• Is there something to remove or clean up?
• Are there ways to lower or distract from the pain and suffering while working on it?
• Are they missing nourishment of some sort?
• How gentle, subtle, and discrete should you be about it?
• Would mere company, whether silent or validating, bring comfort?
• Is it time to step back and let time (and new experiences) do the rest?
It should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: Being in a vulnerable position, unless you enjoy playing the victim, is not at all fun. It might be okay to bring some humor to it and lighten things up a little if that’s something you can pull off and they appreciate it. But making it so that it is humiliating to receive or require your help borders on or crosses over to being sadistic. Abstain.
All this said, if your intentions were good and you still messed up, apologize and (if due) make amends. Depending on the severity, it will be fine sooner or later. And you will be remembered as someone who tried.
Furthermore, always remember that you, too, matter. Overextending yourself will put you in a position where you can no longer help so well. And overextension can refer to anything from doing more than you can handle to doing for abusers what could have been done for somebody more reciprocal and honorable, or simply innocent.
